Discover connection through challenging conversations  

There’s something tender about seeing life through someone else’s window.

Have you ever walked through your neighbourhood at dusk and glimpsed a warm, glowing room — people laughing, talking, seemingly free from the struggles you’re carrying? It’s easy to imagine that they don’t know conflict or pain. But what we see through the window rarely tells the whole story.

For many of us, especially when addiction has touched our families, the holidays can feel heavy. Communication becomes complicated. We fear judgement, conflict, and the pain of saying the wrong thing; so we stay silent or we try to justify, argue, defend, and explain. Until, eventually, silence becomes too heavy to hold.

Reacting vs Responding

When communication breaks down, pain often sits just beneath the surface, waiting for a small spark to bring it out. That’s when we find ourselves reacting instead of responding.

In those moments, we tend to move into one of two natural protection modes.

Fight mode. We raise our voices. We push harder to be heard. We might bring up the past, say things we don’t mean, or try to regain control of a situation that feels chaotic. It’s not that we want to hurt someone,  it’s that we’re hurting. Our pain shows up as anger, frustration, or defensiveness.

Flight mode. We withdraw to avoid conflict altogether. We go quiet, shut down, or steer clear of certain people or topics. We tell ourselves it’s easier not to say anything than to risk another argument,  but the silence can become its own kind of pain.

Both responses come from the same place: a deep desire to protect ourselves and the people we love. But over time, they can leave everyone feeling unheard, misunderstood, and alone.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Step inside: find a safe space to talk

At PEP Society, we come alongside you. We invite you to come in from the cold and into a space where understanding replaces judgment, and where hope grows through honest conversation.You won’t have to explain the whole backstory. People here get it. Over time, many families say it feels like a place they can belong.

Three steps to better communication

1. Plan ahead.

Before starting a difficult conversation, take time to prepare. Decide your limits - when you’ll pause or end the talk. Write two or three one-sentence replies you’ll likely need and practice them out loud (for money asks: “I’m not able to give money,” or “I can help up to $100 this month”). Keep your phrases handy in your phone notes or on a sticky so you’re ready in the moment. Knowing when to pause or take a break helps protect the relationship and keeps the dialogue safe.

2. Try one short line (instead of JADE).

It’s completely human to want to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE). We want to be heard, get our point across, set them straight, and be understood. When you can, take one longer exhale than inhale and choose a single, calm sentence you can repeat, like “I’m not able to do that.” If the pressure rises, repeat once and pause or step away. And if you do slip into JADE (we all do), be kind to yourself. This is hard. Take a breath and say, “let’s try later.”

3. Practice, not perfection. Be kind to yourself.

Be gentle with yourself (self compassion). Based on Kristin Neff’s research, self compassion has three parts: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness. First, notice what is happening in you right now without judging it (mindfulness). Then remind yourself that many families face the same struggle and you are not alone (common humanity). Finally, offer yourself some grace (kindness): “This is hard. I am doing my best. I can try again.”

We are here to come alongside you every step of the way. Please join us at one of our meetings or one of our learning series sessions.